Jackie, Pt. 1

Part 1 — Part 2 — Part 3

CONTENT WARNING: This story addresses issues of a traumatic and sexual nature, which may be inappropriate for younger audiences to process without parental guidance.

This is Jackie Gotto. She is someone who admits she took a very long and difficult road before finding her exit for the straight and narrow one. Her story is one worth paying attention to. As she tells it, there is trauma and abuse, adultery and murder, grand theft and homelessness, broken family and loss. Yet at the end of it all there is redemption, restoration, and an incredible child of God with a story to tell.

I should note before diving in, she still says she has a long road ahead of her. She still admits to struggles and that she is still working out some details. But at the very least, she is open and honest about the good, the bad, and the ugly things in her past. Now she is addressing those with faith, hope, and love.

A Broken Home

Jacqueline was born in Nashville, TN in 1957. She lived there until her father died when she was only 6-years-old. Though, how he died was always kept a secret. Later the same year, Jackie’s mother moved what was left of the family up to Manhattan, finding herself two jobs there. Jackie’s mother was strong and fiercely independent. Or at least, she was until she met Richie.

Jackie assumes that her mother and Richie met at the restaurant she worked at. They married quickly and just a couple months laterJackie had a new younger half-brother. Jackie loved the new baby. But nobody loved Richie.

Her step-father was abusive—physically, emotionally, sexually. Jackie remembers being touched inappropriately as early as 6-years-old. And she remembers every negative emotion that came from it. For the first few years, there was nothing but this overwhelming feeling of helplessness, of being defeated, of life being out of her control. Her step-father had a large presence in the household, but the shameful feelings she wasn’t equipped to understand loomed even larger in the back of her mind. She was left wondering over and over again, “What did I do to deserve this?”

Those emotions changed though. The lingering sense of shame and helplessness that carried over into other relationships transformed into anger, into bitterness and spite. From childhood on, Jackie would look at her younger sister, Terry Ann, and wonder why Terry wasn’t being abused as much she seemed to be. Was Jackie not good enough? Was she not pretty enough? Not special enough? Jackie admits, her jealousy turned into hatred at many points.

Then in school, she was picked on heavily for her accent and upbringing. Having come from Tennessee, a lot of the kids bullied her for being “backwater” and “white trash.” Again, for those first few formative years in Manhattan, she felt powerless against all the bullying. But that also quickly changed. The shame and the defeat turned into anger. Jackie would become the bully instead. She remembers being in trouble frequently through elementary school for picking fights and bullying other classmates.

Her step-father’s abuse didn’t stop. In outside relationships, Jackie was becoming hardened and calloused. Her home was different though. There she was always feeling scared—like everyone was walking on eggshells. But with good reason—her step-father was erratic. Nobody knew what to expect when he would come home. Would he be angry, and lash out. Would he settle into an attitude that was decent, so everyone would have to tip-toe around him, so as not to provoke him?

Then and Now

I asked Jackie if her feelings towards that time in her life have changed tremendously. I asked if those same emotions still come up when she thinks back to those situations:

“I would like to say no, but it does. It still does. I have forgiven him, [my step-father]. And I truly have. I can think about him and not be angry or mad. I think about him and I pray for him, because he is still alive. But yeah, those emotions can completely overwhelm me. They’re still a big part of who I am right now and how I’m going to walk the rest of my life. I still have to deal with them. It’s like peeling an onion. I have to do it by layers.”

A Fearful Sight

There’s one incident Jackie recalls that is especially scarred into her head:

One day her step-father came home after having a few drinks with someone who worked maintenance at her school. He came in the door and bellowed at Jackie, “Who is that n***** you were talking to at school.” Jackie remembers being too terrified to speak. She certainly was too scared to think of which person he might possibly be talking about.

It turns out he was referencing a moment when Jackie had been casually talking to a boy in the hallway at school—no relationship, nothing serious. But her step-father was so outraged that he threw Jackie down the basement stairs.

Later that night, battered and aching, she was doing the dishes. Anytime she would look up she would see him. The image still brings fear. He was sitting in his chair in the living room, staring at her, polishing his shotgun.

A Broken, Broken Home

Her step-father left the family after he fell for another woman. That was around the time Jackie was 15- or 16-years-old. It was also around the time Jackie was becoming, as she notes, sexually promiscuous. In her own words, “If you’re constantly told you’re not good enough, not pretty enough, not this enough, you grow up thinking that’s true. And that’s how your self-image evolves. And you think nobody’s going to love you unless it’s a physical love.”

Meanwhile, Jackie’s mother was falling apart as her second husband left. She fell into alcoholism. Jackie wound up working to support what was left of her family. She felt responsible for her mother and siblings, like some incredible burden had fallen on her. At least, she did until she found a good enough reason to leave home…

Who am I?

So, how did all this trauma impact her identity? Did she, in a sense, become the trauma, thinking of herself as a tool or a victim? How did all this affect the way she understands herself in relation to the God she believes in?

“Yeah [I did feel I was the trauma]. But I’m still learning who I am. I’m still sorting that out. I still try to please people no matter what. I still try to not let people down… My identity? I still don’t know who I am. I’m still not secure in my own skin… I’m fearful. I’m fearful of not being a good Christian. This isn’t easy, this is a hard life. Because I don’t wanna get it wrong…When I feel like I’ve sinned it’s kinda like I’ve taken 10 steps forward and everything’s great. Then I’ll do something God’s not pleased with and it’s devastating to me.”

Some wounds never quite heal. That doesn’t mean they can’t be redeemed. They can be. It only means that some things will always have pain attached to them. That pain can be redeemed too. Those hurts can be useful too. But having a purpose doesn’t make them hurt any less. That doesn’t make the pain any less painful. Part 2 of Jackie’s story highlights what can happen when we move on with trauma in an unhealthy way. Part 3 shows what can happen when it is acknowledged in ways God intended.

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Part 1 — Part 2 — Part 3

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P.S.

If such trauma or abuse has been an issue in your past (or in your present), and you feel it is not resolved, seek help. That is my advice. That is Jackie’s advice. That is the church’s advice. Your burdens are not yours alone, as they reach into other relationships as well, consciously or not. Few people in your life may be an expert in such things (I’m not one of them). But there are many (myself included) who would be happy to point you towards one. And there are many (myself and Jackie included) who would be happy to try to make that burden at least a little bit lighter along the way.