A couple years into marriage, my wife sent me a text while I was working. It said something along the lines of, “I think [my office] is supposed to evacuate because a bomb. We’re not evacuating though. I love you.” The bomb squad was called to investigate a suspicious bag next to a giant propane tank less than a block from where Cassie was working. She may have been a little nervous she was going to die. As a result, the conversation turned to this:
Cass thought she knew me well enough to say that I really should “move on” to another person if she died. (I don’t know where she got the nerve to presume to know all that after only being together for six years… 🤷♂️) I thought I knew myself well enough to say I really shouldn’t get involved in another relationship.
Love Day
All that to say, I’ve been asking myself a question for the last several months. See, you might expect that I would be sad on Valentine’s Day. Instead I’m conflicted. Because what on earth am I supposed to do with all this romantic love stuff?
Well, I think this problem would be best explained graphically (with examples). See, relationship-wise, everyone on the planet fits into one of four categories:
| Unintentionally | Intentionally | |
| Single | Jessica Day (New Girl) | Barney Stinson (HIMYM) |
| Partnered | Ross and Carol (Friends) | Cory and Topanga (Boy Meets World) |
While married, I was 100% in the intentionally-partnered category. Now I’m happily living in the intentionally-single category while simultaneously plagued with doubt, wondering if I’m actually unintentionally-single because Cassie said I’m meant to be in a relationship!
Love is in the Air
We live in a culture that puts romantic relationships up on a pedestal. To not want a man/woman all to yourself is to go against the grain of society. Granted, the desire to be in a relationship is hard-wired into us. Remember those hormones that surge when we’re teenagers? Our body literally creates chemicals that make us want to love on someone, then pumps those chemicals throughout our entire being. But everyone knows: Desire + Ability ≠ Necessity.
There’s days like Valentine’s Day, where the world makes you feel like your only options are 1) eating chocolate-covered strawberries with a partner or 2) eating chocolate-covered ice-cream out of the tub, wrapped up in a blanket, with the lights out, watching the saddest movie you can find on Netflix, alone.
So do I give in and go looking for someone else? It doesn’t help that Cassie word-for-word told me she thought I “needed” to go find another girl. I mean, the person who I ate with, slept with, cried with, laughed with, and shared every bit of life with (for 2,400+ days) thought I should look for romance again. There’s gotta be something to that, right? Well…
Not Today!
I don’t think I should be in a relationship! Plus, I’m stubborn and I’m always right and CASSIE’S NOT GOING TO WIN THIS ARGUMENT LIKE SHE DID ALL THE OTHER ONES!!!
I spent seven years revolving around Cassie. It was fun and it was a joy to do. But I don’t think I’d want to do it ever again. Been there, done that, and I don’t really think it’s for me. Never in my life have I felt as available to friends or my church as I do now! Plus, this whole experience of marriage and loss has let me look at couples from the inside and the outside—I just don’t think I want to be a part of a couple anymore.
It’s not just because I still have some grief. I feel happy about my situation in life like 99% of the time. (That’s an accurate percentage, by the way. I count my time sleeping as being happy.) Now, I don’t plan to take a vow of celibacy or anything, but being coupled-up just feels super wrong for me for the foreseeable future.
My Point
So what’s my point? I don’t know. I probably should have had one of those before I started writing. But I think one point is this: Love is a choice—you get to choose.
Choosing is exactly what I think I’m in the process of doing. Don’t let the world choose for you.
My “Words Like Trees” for the day: Love is much more than a choice, but it’s never less than a choice. Choosing to not love someone with hearts and chocolate doesn’t make you less of a human.
And happy Valentine’s Day.
P.S.
This is my first Words Like Trees post. (An explanation for the name is found in the About the Blogs section.) A number of people recommended I try just writing for the sake of sharing my thoughts and my non-Cassie-related adventures. I think I could probably still use some work on that—I rewrote this thing like 5 times until it wasn’t super sad and wasn’t weird ramblings about trees and didn’t have lots of preaching about my personal theology of romance. Stay tuned for some better writing later!
