Cass and I talked about moving a lot… maybe as a kind of coping mechanism when life got stressful for her. But as eager as I was to be moved out and for everything to be changed, I didn’t really want to do the moving or the changing. So when the time finally came, I found another couple coping mechanisms: one was pretty terrible, the other pretty fantastic.
So apparently the “holiday blues” are a thing. I was hopeful I could escape it. But since I got caught up anyways, I realized I needed someone to save me from this new kind of grief.
Cassie’s always wanted to see a sky lantern festival. Though she never got to, I had the chance to light a lantern for her, letting it go while the world around me sang Hallelujah.
Cassie loved the sunshine. She also hated the dark. As I explored both beaches and caves in Mexico, I could only think of the way the Light of the World dealt with darkness—by embracing that darkness and loving despite it.
I spent the last couple weeks thinking of responses to the question, “How have you been blessed since Cassie’s passing?” Now with a court date approaching, I had 48 hours to respond to, “How have you been hurt since Cassie’s passing?” So in the course of a couple days, I had to think of what to say that would reflect both Cassie’s love of justice and her love for mercy and grace. I don’t know that there is an easy way to do that. But I tried to as best I could in my victim impact statement…
She wanted to climb to the top of the pyramids and to see things leftover from a world forgotten. Egypt was just a little too far for her. She told me a number of times she would settle for the pyramids in Mexico. So, I knew exactly what I wanted to do in while in the Yucatan! While I wandered about the monuments the Maya left behind, I couldn’t help but wonder about the monuments my wife left behind.
When I lost Cassie, I lost the feeling of being known by someone. Losing that leads to unexpected feelings of loneliness that I can’t quite express to other people. It can be isolating and overwhelming. Whenever Cassie would feel overwhelmed, she would look at me and say, “Let’s just run away to Mexico.” So when that feeling blindsided me last week, I decided to run away… to Mexico.
One day, I noticed Cassie was sitting alone eating a pop-tart, so I made a comment about it. Next thing I know, I’m sitting at this high school lunch table with the funniest, cutest girl I’d ever met. At that table she made me feel like I was a better person just for being around her. She made me want to be better, then showed me how just by sharing her life. And over a couple of pop-tarts, she wound up being the first person to ever invite me to church.
At her memorial, I told everyone that “Sunflowers were Cassie’s favorite flowers.” But there was a period where she hated them… no thanks to me. I took a trip out to see a field of them anyways. They say, beauty is in the eye of the beholder. But maybe they should say it’s in the heart of the beholder…
Between Cassie and I, one of our most memorable dates was going to St. Cloud Lakefront to watch the fireflies. And one of the things we were looking forward to most about summer in West Virginia was catching them with our nieces. Fireflies come with the reminder that there is hope in the darkness, even if they can’t dispel it.